Fatherless
John Eldredge finally put words to the way I often feel. He describes our journey as men in his book The Way of the Wild Heart. He ultimately describes us as lost boys in grown up bodies looking for the answer to the question, "Am I good enough?"
I lost my earthly father in 2002 less than a year into my marriage to the one person who lives grace out before me more than any other. My father left me with the question, "Are you proud of me?" Really just a restatement of the previous question. Much of my life has been spent attempting to appeal to the pride of a man that didn't know how to show me how much he was. I find that I constantly seek the approval of my male elders. I'm constantly looking for what my dad didn't realize he didn't give me.
Please don't misunderstand; my father was a great man. He taught me incredible things like the power of honesty and how to fix a faucet. He taught me that I am capable of anything that I am willing to work for. I know that he loved me. I know that I miss him terribly and would love to speak with him once more. I often dream of that conversation only to wake to the harsh reality that I will not enjoy that pleasure this side of eternity.
I'm realizing, too, that I project these feelings to my heavenly Father. I wonder if I am good enough for Him and recognize that I'm not. I have trouble accepting His unconditional love and undeserved grace. I can not accept that I am, as Eldredge says, his "beloved son." I even have to sit in His place, knowing and understanding the love I have for my son, yet I can not accept God's. I struggle to believe that He is intimately involved in my life. I don't know what, but I know there is more to this relationship than, "Jesus died for my sins." That's great and all, but what is the point if there is nothing beyond that fact. Why would He save me and then just leave me out here to figure it out by myself? Why would my dad leave me here to figure out all of this stuff alone?
How can I raise my children when I have so many unanswered questions? When I am dead and gone, what is my son going to look back and remember about me? How am I going to screw his life up? Am I even capable of preparing him for what he is going to face?
I lost my earthly father in 2002 less than a year into my marriage to the one person who lives grace out before me more than any other. My father left me with the question, "Are you proud of me?" Really just a restatement of the previous question. Much of my life has been spent attempting to appeal to the pride of a man that didn't know how to show me how much he was. I find that I constantly seek the approval of my male elders. I'm constantly looking for what my dad didn't realize he didn't give me.
Please don't misunderstand; my father was a great man. He taught me incredible things like the power of honesty and how to fix a faucet. He taught me that I am capable of anything that I am willing to work for. I know that he loved me. I know that I miss him terribly and would love to speak with him once more. I often dream of that conversation only to wake to the harsh reality that I will not enjoy that pleasure this side of eternity.
I'm realizing, too, that I project these feelings to my heavenly Father. I wonder if I am good enough for Him and recognize that I'm not. I have trouble accepting His unconditional love and undeserved grace. I can not accept that I am, as Eldredge says, his "beloved son." I even have to sit in His place, knowing and understanding the love I have for my son, yet I can not accept God's. I struggle to believe that He is intimately involved in my life. I don't know what, but I know there is more to this relationship than, "Jesus died for my sins." That's great and all, but what is the point if there is nothing beyond that fact. Why would He save me and then just leave me out here to figure it out by myself? Why would my dad leave me here to figure out all of this stuff alone?
How can I raise my children when I have so many unanswered questions? When I am dead and gone, what is my son going to look back and remember about me? How am I going to screw his life up? Am I even capable of preparing him for what he is going to face?
posted by Mat... the uncreative engineer | 8:17 PM
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